


How I Sleep

by asherisnotfunny



Category: No Fandom
Genre: Cutting, Multi, Past Abuse, Self-Harm, Suicide
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-02-22
Updated: 2016-02-10
Packaged: 2017-12-03 05:58:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 8
Words: 1,149
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/694955
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/asherisnotfunny/pseuds/asherisnotfunny
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cutting Prevention Poetry</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Thoughts of Her

You scream my name  
In your sleep after sunset  
I don't hear it- I feel it  
And I hope that I'm wrong  
-  
"It's not me anymore" I cry  
Tears stream down my face  
Bloody wrist after dark  
Alone with my thoughts and the moon  
-  
But I'm "So different now"  
They say with encouragement  
Though they did not know me  
Back then I was vicious  
-  
Mistakes, mistakes  
They say everyone makes  
But I know what I did,  
And I wanted it then  
-  
Talk of abuse from those unaware  
Rots a hole in my chest  
But that won't kill me  
That's too easy  
-  
If I could die from guilt  
I'd be gone by now  
I've tried to bury my past  
She climbs out of the dirt  
-  
"Surprise!" she smiles  
Lacing her right hand with my left  
She points to the scars  
"Still here!" She laughs.  
-  
"Needs some lotion." She chuckles  
At the new ones. She hands me a knife.  
"Might as well." She shrugs.  
I look at the tattoo  
-  
"Courage." I mumble.  
You're not me.  
Not me.  
Not me.


	2. Not My Type

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Didn't read it over, straight from the mind through the keys

I'm the type of man  
Who wants to be gentle  
Old fashioned with morals  
And says the right thing  
-  
I'm the type of man  
That does things the hard way  
Not because I look for challenge  
But because I'm a moron  
-  
I'm the type of man  
Who would love to go for walks  
But hates running into people  
And thinks he'll be murdered at night  
-  
I'm the type of man  
Who loves talking to kids about life  
But chooses not to  
Cause he'll look like a pedophile  
-  
I'm the type of man  
Who avoids public bathrooms   
Then pees himself in his car  
Its happened four times now  
-  
I'm the type of man   
That ends up with girls liking him  
Because he's "sweet and funny"  
Too bad he's still gay  
-  
I'm the type of man  
Who would make the perfect bottom  
Blonde hair, blue eyes, pale skin  
Too bad I'm fat  
-  
I'm the type of man  
Who remembers too much  
And lies about forgetting  
Because I rarely do  
-  
I'm the type of man  
Who chooses to stay up late  
So I see my mom before work  
In case she dies today  
-  
I'm the type of man  
Who is victim to "What if?"  
If an upset teen mumbles plans  
I tell someone because of the "what if?"  
-  
I'm the type of man  
Born privileged, white and loved  
With misdiagnosed mental illnesses  
And an ongoing tally of bloody relapses  
-  
I'm the type of man  
Who wishes the world saw him  
As the man he is  
And not his "Type"


	3. Tallies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> spoken word about cutting  
> Listen here:  
> https://soundcloud.com/asher-liam-butler/tallies

Look who is lost  
Sitting on his bed  
In his childhood home  
Alone with his thoughts  
-  
Whispers of guilt cross his mind  
The knife in his drawer  
Pulls him _more_ and **_more_**  
He caves and crosses the line  
-  
Across his wrist counts a tally  
Of each battle he lost  
His impulse the champion   
Of his blood  
-  
It spills like a stream  
A warm river of relief  
Relief like the tension  
Of an exploding balloon  
-  
After the "pop" comes peace  
But not without casualty  
The scar a sacrifice  
A reminder of the cause  
-  
He's asked: _"Was it worth it?"_  
He longs to say: _"Yes."_  
But the tattooed shame  
Forces a: " **No.** "


	4. Never Never

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neverland

Second star just to the right  
A boy I know is lost in time  
He doesn't like me growing up  
He reminds me that I'll die

He visits me once in a while  
He taps my window twice  
His shadow has a temper  
But he's really very nice

I let him in to take me  
Somewhere very far away  
Maybe if I'm nice this time  
He'll tell me I can stay

His smile is so warm  
He holds me very tight  
He's taking me for real this time  
If I promise not to fight

He takes me to the mermaids  
The pixie dust is all i need  
Not much hurts when you're flying  
Forgetting is a breeze

His grip is tight on my arm  
When i tell him i want to go home  
He'd rather see me hurting there  
Then sit here all alone

((Take me with you  
Promise that you're mine  
Do what you like  
I won't cry this time))


	5. Sherlock

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this is a johnlock poem

I lost you

And now you

Are watching me

From in my head

 

You're lying in a bed

Under the ground

But i hear you every time 

I think your name

 

I just want to hold your hand

But i cant reach you anymore

My shadow is a memory

Of where you stood

 

I cant go home

You're not there and ill

Make a mess which will

Remind me of you

 

I use a cane again

To hold myself up

Under the weight of guilt

You left me with

 

I want to be mad

But i believe in you

You were never one to lie

You only knew the truth

 

But i wonder if you saw

With that crazy mind of yours

The truth about me

And how i might actually love you.


	6. Suicide

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath

 

I cried that awful day

That was the day i heard

He took you away

 

Cause with you gone

All i have left

Is this idea of a poem

 

With eyes closed I feel the wind

It feels like when see your smile

As it reaches your ears

 

It’s not fair to me

You told me you were mine

Why cant He see?

 

The priest said it's God's hand

I guess it's easier to blame Him

Then to think that the gun

 

That fucking gun

Was not in His hand

But was in yours.

 

Why did you leave?

My mind can’t erase the thought

Of you shaking, and scared.

 

Maybe if i held you more

Maybe if i held you tighter

Maybe if i never let you go

 

You'd be in my arms holding tight

You'd be looking up smiling with teeth

We would be forever

 

What if it was me though?

What if i wasnt enough?

They told me not to think that way

 

But

 

Maybe...

 

_ What if? _


	7. cigarettes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> an old gabilliam poem from the dark ages, but it has a good voice to it.

Breathing in deeply

As i walk past a smoker

Never had a cig before

But i know its not your brand

-

You smell like sweat

And cigarette

Never enjoyed it

Before we met

-

Your laugh is obnoxious 

Your singing sucks

But thats why you laugh

You dont give a fuck

-

You never said 

you wanted me 

But you never said 

you didnt

-

I got so mad

I was tired of waiting

I slept with another

Now i have a baby girl

-

I love my child

But that wont stop me 

From lying alone in a hotel

Letting my thoughts run to you


	8. Last Breath

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> suicide attempt

And if this is the last time you hear from me,   
I'd like you to know:

Thank you so much for caring,  
Sorry i had to go.

I pray I never see you again  
Cause if we meet its down below.


End file.
